this is where it ends

(I wish I won't have to think, forever.)

I think I don't want to stay.
I've really been finding reasons to stay.
But I've found reasons not to stay too.

I'll stay to earn us back that gold.
I'll stay to play all the things I haven't tried for the past 4 years.
I'll stay to reassure the juniors they are not alone.
I'll stay because I'll miss it if I don't.
I'll stay because I'll be letting down so many people if I don't.

I don't want to stay because I want to try other CCAs and I can't commit.
I don't want to stay because I am thinking of my future.
I don't want to stay because I don't think it's worth forsaking good opportunities that will last me for years to come rather than to stay for 2 years just for loyalty's sake.
I don't want to stay because I am not confident of my playing.
I don't want to stay because I cannot handle 2 CCAs at one go, plus academics.
I don't want to stay because I get so stressed up over every thing I cannot do well in.

I just wish I don't have to choose.
And we still have to look forward, think for the future.
How can I think when there are so many things pulling me here and there?

And you know what, you can miss everybody in the world and think they are so willing to help you, but you never asked me for help even though you know I'll say yes. I wonder what that means, and I go crazy just trying to think about it.