that's why you go away

(Chill out.)

Image from poignant.

Okay this is a rant.
Yes another one.
Don't give me that look.

I am not happy at how things turn out. I am not happy for idk what reasons. I am not happy with all these crazy screwed up hormonal emotions inside me waiting for me to do something about it. Which I don't even know what. All I know is I feel like bawling my eyeballs out and I haven't do so yet because I don't want to. Because it's leading to no where. But I don't know what else to do. The worst thing if even if I did start crying and finally stop, I still won't know what to do. It's not like we can go, "oh okay! so now that's settle let's move on." WHAT MOVE ON I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW. It's like some kind of freak thunderstorm inside which makes me feel like throwing stuff around and scream like some madwoman. Fuck this and that, I would scream, and hopefully it will make me feel better. But you do not scream such things when you're living in such close proximity to about a 100+ families in the same block. I feel like making a mess of myself and finally get to someone who cares. But what if nobody does? Then it would all be for nothing right? And I would just end up hurting myself far worse than imagine because not only do I get mangled and tattered and torn, nobody gives a damn and is probably gonna think even worse of me and everything. Not that I'm thinking of anything as serious as jumping down from my house (I'll definitely die, there's no speculations to be made.), but something along the line of cutting, getting into a car accident, falling from the stairs and get a concussion, playing truant and running away from home, spill boiling water all over my arm, I DON'T KNOW. Fuck man even I have to think so hard on how to get attention. Please do not follow this, because it's not worth it (I bet). Nobody will give a damn and I'm only gonna rack up a whole lot of bill and stay disfigured. I don't care I don't care I don't care. I don't care how badly I'm fucking myself up and prodding my tear ducts (somehow) and I don't care how I'm gonna have another epic breakdown which didn't happen for a long time (so be prepared for a drastic one). OH WHY DO I EVEN HAVE TO TELL YOU GUYS ALL THESE IT'S APPARENTLY NOT GOING TO MATTER SINCE NOBODY CARES ANYWAY. I am not going to care about how I'm antisocial and have practically no social circle (or even just a dot) to talk about and I'm not going to care how I have nobody to talk to and nobody to care. I don't care if I'm gonna be living in my own bubble next time and nobody can burst it because nobody will want to anyway. And I don't care how sad and depressed and repressed and mentally unstable I am because everybody's going about with their own lives anyway. So fuck you, everything, especially moodswings because you're the one that make me so acutely aware of my insignificance. Well, no thanks to you please get struck by lightning and die a horrible death please.

END.