bursting eardrums

(I want apple pie.)

Image from lightphotos.

Who wanna go Macs with me someday for breakfast?
I've got a coupon for free iced latte and I want apple pie.
Right tell me via msn, sms, Tumblr, or that tagboard there.

I think my family is severely messed up and totally dysfunctional.
As if the impact of incessant drilling at the bus stop after school today is not deafening enough.
I can feel my eardrums throbbing way after I got on the bus.
And when I reached home, under 2 hours, I hear 2 other women screaming, yelling, cat-fighting each other.
Cool? I think not.
I can't wait to go to university and stay on my own.
Even if all I can cook is noodles and they are extremely unhealthy.
Beats having to die from unknown heart attacks when these wars start.

One's a rude, spoilt, lazy brat while the other's a stubborn, fierce, loud woman.
I have no idea who will win.
But I'm really honestly going deaf, maybe even earlier than Beethoven.
So I'm listening to all the music I can.

And I have no qualms of leaving the class, I think.
Our so called 'clique' in my opinion, is just a bunch of people looking out for their interests.
They don't care if you look depressed, you're alone, you're not in a good mood and in desperate need of cheering up.
Maybe it's human nature to be naturally drawn to whichever corner is the noisiest.
I don't know.
Maybe I'm guilty of doing such things, I don't know either.
Please don't be offended, this is just what I think.
It may not be true, it may just be a figment of my imagination, it may just be a case of reading too much into things.
But I find myself getting more and more unsociable, losing the willingness to initiate activities, conversations, whatever.
And honestly it kills me as one big mass of sadness, disappointment thrown in my way.
Like things are sucky in school because I feel myself enclosing, keeping everyone out and nobody bothered to penetrate through the shell.
And those who did gave up.
When I get home, I find people who don't exactly care about my existence.
My sister refers to me as "your daughter" when she speaks to my parents, as if I don't have an identity.
She refers to me as the enemy, the one who snatches away all the attention.
She glares at me and goes out of her way to antagonise me by pulling out all my bedsheets and messing up my bed and defaming me in front of others.
Do I look like I don't have enough at school to have to deal with this at home?
And similarly, do I look like I'm perfectly happy and not hurt with the way I'm treated at home and have to entertain, initiate, make myself fit in with my 'friends'?
I know I'm not the only one who experience such things but I'm not 'everyone'.
To me the hurt is fresh, it makes me feel exclusive, it carves a deep impression in me because there's only one me.
I have no idea what people expect of me, I hate it when I take it out on my friends because of what happened at home.
But at the time when I actually hurt somebody, I feel so angry with everybody, angry that nobody knows what's going on, angry that I have to smile and gloss over everything to show that everything is fine when it's so not.
There's a new strain with everyone and I just lose it.
I hate that strain, the feeling that things will never go back to the same comfortable state we were in, it scares me.
Can you imagine me being scared?
The one that's supposed to be optimistic, the counsellor, the one that tells you 'everything's gonna be alright', 'it's just a phase', is actually scared?
The idea is beyond laughable.

I really don't know what to say, what to do.
Somebody tell me, get me out of this mess.